Apparently the hardware that my web server's VPS lives on completely died. I mean died so bad that VPSLand didn't have any way to restore it! Luckily I take nightly backups of everything important, so the website is back with no loss of content. Unfortunately, SQL Server 2008 Express's installer has a serious amount of bugs that took me about 6 hours of debugging to figure out. The entire site is driven off SQL 2008, so I had no way to get the site back without it. It seems something that was in VPSLand's standard deployment image made SQL 2008's installer unhappy. It took a lot of registry deletions to get it to work. More about that later (if I remember).
Anyway. The site is finally back up! Hooray!